Saturday, September 6, 2008

At that speed, even tears will dry

I haven't cried this much in a week since--I've never cried this much in a week.

Since I am very, very sick, and have been so for the last three weeks, I have an excuse. I'm very vulnerable. It's a subject of curiosity, though; my doctor said that all my miserable symptoms could have been caused by stress, but I feel no stress. When this stupid illness started, in fact, I was feeling quite carefree and joyful, with no school to worry about and the Olympic Games to watch every night.

But maybe it's some sort of hidden stress. Maybe it's all these problems I never talk about. (Uh. They will not be talked about here. For now.)

The first time I cried was because my eyes felt hot, then it was because it made me feel better, then it was because I felt helpless.

Today I got a going-away card from two of my classmates at music practice, and oh my God, I bawled. People just don't go out of their way to tell me--much of anything, really, least of all how much they loved and appreciated me. They appreciated me. They must have put "I love you" in there at least seven times. And (I know this is a little morbid) I thought, they are people who, if I died, would not only attend my funeral but cry there, for me.

Yeah. I'm appreciated.
This really means a lot to me.

I know it's cheesy, but maybe I should tell more people I appreciate them.

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