So this is what it's like

Last installment in my short crush saga.

He's gay.

So it goes.

Back to ordinary life, I suppose.

So this is what it's like to be silly

You guys, he talked to me first.
It's only Monday!
Hahahahahaha.

/teenage girl!

So this is what it's like to be human

I may have just developed my first crush in years. Since high school, even. It's a full blown crush, and not just the idea of one. It's definitely "just a crush," because I don't know him very well, and he doesn't know me, but I will try to change that on Tuesday.

Ha ha ha. I'm kind of giddy.

But, oh, the uncertainty.

Things I have been thinking about

Some goals: Ride on a paternoster. Eat a real guava.

I can never get over the fact that an egg (I'm thinking about a chicken egg, for example) is a single cell. I think it's amazing.

Failure and fear

I've returned home. After 285 days abroad, I'm home.

I had never been so excited in a plane before, counting the hours until I was home, peeking over my two row companions (old men) to look out the window as we landed, with every piece of ground I saw sending a thrill down my spine. Oh my goodness, I thought. San Francisco. Home, home, home, home, home. I'll see my family.

There are many things I want to write about. I want to write about my general experience, being in other countries. I want to write about the weird feeling I get upon returning again--this round more profound. But what I will write about here is, well, in the grand scheme of things, it's pretty small. Tomorrow it will be everything.

You see, I have failed a course. I have failed a course. I have never failed a course in my life. My college GPA before going to Hong Kong was practically 4.0. I ruled in college. I was confident. My parents trust me to do well academically. Oh, they trust me.

Well, I failed. FAILED. I got an F.

I am so scared to tell them, you have no idea. They don't really care that much about my great personal growth, the friends I made, the places I went. I went to Hong Kong to study, and look what happened.

F.
F.
F.
F.

I kind of didn't want to come home after finding that out, borrowing my friend's computer in Goyang, Korea. I had been so excited to come home, and at that point, I wanted to stay away forever.

I've got to beat them to the chase. I've got to say something tomorrow.

It's terrifying.
Oh God, it's terrifying.

I've been traveling a lot

I think it's time that I am defined not by where I go, but by what I do.

I will record this for posterity

I just spent the last two hours staring, terrified, at a cockroach.

I saw it skitter across the room; it was huge (relatively). About the size of my thumb. I watched it climb over my Cat6 cable, my laptop's power adapter, my roommate's various pairs of shoes and umbrella. I saw it fly (!) out from under the desk and wriggle erratically on the floor on its back. I heard the tap tap noises it made on the floor.

It was terrifying, but so stupid. I felt so stupid.

Finally, at 3am, needing sleep badly, I went downstairs to the lobby and asked the nightwatch to help me. I did so very meekly. He was very nice and matter-of-fact about it, and it was over in less than a minute. Stomp. Cleanly squished cockroach. "Do you have paper?" "Yeah... yeah, I do." Pick up, throw away, wash hands.

I hope this never happens again.