Failure and fear

I've returned home. After 285 days abroad, I'm home.

I had never been so excited in a plane before, counting the hours until I was home, peeking over my two row companions (old men) to look out the window as we landed, with every piece of ground I saw sending a thrill down my spine. Oh my goodness, I thought. San Francisco. Home, home, home, home, home. I'll see my family.

There are many things I want to write about. I want to write about my general experience, being in other countries. I want to write about the weird feeling I get upon returning again--this round more profound. But what I will write about here is, well, in the grand scheme of things, it's pretty small. Tomorrow it will be everything.

You see, I have failed a course. I have failed a course. I have never failed a course in my life. My college GPA before going to Hong Kong was practically 4.0. I ruled in college. I was confident. My parents trust me to do well academically. Oh, they trust me.

Well, I failed. FAILED. I got an F.

I am so scared to tell them, you have no idea. They don't really care that much about my great personal growth, the friends I made, the places I went. I went to Hong Kong to study, and look what happened.

F.
F.
F.
F.

I kind of didn't want to come home after finding that out, borrowing my friend's computer in Goyang, Korea. I had been so excited to come home, and at that point, I wanted to stay away forever.

I've got to beat them to the chase. I've got to say something tomorrow.

It's terrifying.
Oh God, it's terrifying.

I've been traveling a lot

I think it's time that I am defined not by where I go, but by what I do.

I will record this for posterity

I just spent the last two hours staring, terrified, at a cockroach.

I saw it skitter across the room; it was huge (relatively). About the size of my thumb. I watched it climb over my Cat6 cable, my laptop's power adapter, my roommate's various pairs of shoes and umbrella. I saw it fly (!) out from under the desk and wriggle erratically on the floor on its back. I heard the tap tap noises it made on the floor.

It was terrifying, but so stupid. I felt so stupid.

Finally, at 3am, needing sleep badly, I went downstairs to the lobby and asked the nightwatch to help me. I did so very meekly. He was very nice and matter-of-fact about it, and it was over in less than a minute. Stomp. Cleanly squished cockroach. "Do you have paper?" "Yeah... yeah, I do." Pick up, throw away, wash hands.

I hope this never happens again.

Burnt out

Instead of doing anything productive, which I desperately need, I am trying to learn the Dvorak keyboard, just on a lark. It is with this slow method that I am typing this out. What the hell am I doing?

I am also listening to New World Symphony, 4th movement, by Mr. Antonín Dvořák, because why not, right?

Another bus encounter

What?

So I was on the bus, and as the bus pulls into the last stop (mine) and I am seriously one second from getting off (I was sitting in front of the door), I hear this voice go "Wanda?" I look over and these is this guy there, smiling, that I can't place at all. My face must have been very obviously confused because he then goes, "Chinese class. I thought you looked familiar."

Uh, uhh.

Maybe it's that guy I talked with once who's also from California? He has an American accent. I searched for something to say to told him I recognized him. His name? Which university did he go to again?

I get off the bus and he is one person behind me. I wait.

I come up with nothing as he steps onto the sidewalk, his face now awash with the yellow glow of the streetlamps.

I really don't recognize him at all. I try to remember the Californian guy I talked with once. Did he always wear glasses? Was his hair always like that? Should I say, "Did you cut your hair?"

I smile and he smiles back and none of us has anything else to say. It's clear that we'll be going in separate directions. He does this side salute and grins. I wave goodbye back.

He was so cute!
What?

He smelled really good

Today I rode the bus all the way home instead of getting off where I needed to get off to buy groceries so I could talk to a guy.

Now I don't want to head out again, but I'm really hungry.
Hello, bits of cold lunch leftovers.

Fire alarms

So, as far as I can tell, the people here don't give a shit about the fire alarm. It might as well not exist. It rang and people still went up! In an elevator!