Acceptée

So I got in.

Here's the thing. My feelings towards this acceptance is a lot more subdued than I had thought or hoped it would be. Lately I've been questioning the path I chose and I was sort of hoping, against what I knew was probably true, that getting this job would fix all that and reaffirm my actions. And reinstate me in the eyes of my peers. Yeah, there's that, too.

I'm well aware of the reputation young English teachers abroad have. It's not a particularly respected position. There are quite a few sub-par teachers out there, only using the position to have fun and travel, delaying "real life" just a little bit more. Of course it depends on where you go and where you teach, but it's not exactly very competitive in general.

To be honest, my primary goal when I applied for this was not to teach either (although I genuinely enjoy teaching and I genuinely love the English language). For me, it was also an easy chance to get abroad and work on my own foreign language skills. The long term goal was to just be there, become fluent, then come back and do some professional work.

It's not as easy as I make it seem, of course, and I worry that this will end up just giving me two blank years in which I'm standing still and all my friends have moved far ahead. Some of them already have. It's a little embarrassing. I also think about how I might never be able to match my parents financially. It's pretty daunting.

I had a short talk with my friend about it, and she understood my concerns. However, she also told me that the path I chose is a decent choice for me based on my background and my goals. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think of me, but I do. It just happens.

If my acceptance had happened at the get go, in the beginning of April, it's possible that much of this self doubt could have been avoided. But it came just two days ago, and I'm not so sure anymore. I'm going to take it--because what else can I do? We'll see. I hope it works out.

Rose

Today Rose, Oldie McOldOld's companion and the last of our original goldfish, died.

Sneaky basker

I just caught my turtle basking!

The whole time she's been with us (this is fifteen years, roughly), she has been very private and paranoid about basking, jumping into the water at the slightest provocation--a glimpse of a being, a gentle footstep. She is now in a tank with very high, solid walls, so it is nigh impossible to see into until you are right up close. Often I've tried to sneak up on her--just to see her for a split second nice and dry before she dives back in--but have failed every time.

Today I walked up casually and unprepared. I wanted to check if she was under her rock before I poured new water in, so I go and look around. No turtle. I'm about to go back to grab the bucket of water when--there is this dark mass on top of the rock! Speedy! She looks up at me and stares. We are both frozen. I am afraid to move. We stare at each other for maybe five seconds... and she dives back in. Ah well.

He said

He said,
“千几个都入不到去。”

A waiting game

I'm very nervous.

I've been thinking about it and--
The worst part of failing is telling the people who believed in you that you failed.

I hope this won't have to happen.

Re:

I sort of like it when I check my spam folder and I see spam in foreign languages I speak. It's like I've broken in and became one of them.

Sometimes it feels nice when a tram company whose tram I rode regularly over two years ago and haven't been near since sends me an email about updates to its system. I can pretend for a little bit that I'm still there. Just for a little, and then I unsubscribe.

When a game forum I haven't visited in years wishes me happy birthday.

When an old friend's email account sends me a blank subject email, obviously a virus.
(Just seeing their name in my inbox is a pleasant surprise, if only for the briefest moment.)

Over ten years

Today, my old, old goldfish died.

This one.